Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
