I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize