fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
