I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am spending my child support on dildos
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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