oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
