I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
