I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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