Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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