We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
