There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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