There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
