my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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