He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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