you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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