i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
