mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
