guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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