Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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