dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
