btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You can't just leave with hair like that
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
