I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
