Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
