some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
