SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
