Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
