if you like me you must not know who I am
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
