As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
