he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
