i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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