so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
