yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
