I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
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