The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
