I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
