Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
