i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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