We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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