Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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