speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
