get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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