My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize