Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
