I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
