I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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