So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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