Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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