Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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