I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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