So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
