Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
