he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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