i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
