I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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