I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
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