Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
