I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
