So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I had to cum in my sink.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
