did you get engaged???
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
